Remembrance
by Joei Cassidy
Summary: It's the day before Jack McCoy officially retires. Just before he leaves Hogan Place for the last time as District Attorney, he takes the time to remember and say goodbye to what was about to become his former life. He remembers many things but most of all he remembers the love he found and lost there... Mentions of many characters.


Remembrance

_**Author's Note: Law & Order and its characters are not mine. **_

_**I really miss this show. While I have loved SVU and CI, nothing will replace my first love that is Law & Order. This is in remembrance of my favorite show as well as my all time favorite characters in this show especially Jack McCoy and Claire Kincaid. **_

_**It was therapeutic to write this, it alleviated my feelings of missing L&O. I hope you all enjoy this one. **_

_**Thank you for reading.**_

_**This is dedicated to my fellow Law &Order loyalist, fadedelegance. Abby – this is for you girl…oops I mean WOMAN. Lol. **_

. . .

It was the day before DA Jack McCoy's official retirement. His last day in office and the day before the rest of his life – for however long that may be now.

He wasn't a young man anymore. It was time to leave. Time to do other things – relax, maybe spend more time getting to know his daughter. He never did that much when she was growing up. He never bothered truth be told. He always thought that she never wanted anything to do with him.

Turned out that while she did hesitate at first – who could blame her after all he was the absentee father - but in the end, she did meet him. And now how long as it been? 2 or 3 years? Whatever it was, he and Rebecca were in a good place.

He looked around his office and remembered when it used to be Adam Schiff's office. After that it was Nora Lewin who occupied the space and then Arthur Branch. And then it was him. He was only supposed to be interim DA – he still remembered Arthur telling him that though he was a damn good prosecutor, he'd never be DA. And he had agreed. He never thought he'd be DA either. Until he became DA.

He still recalled when he won his first actual election. Arthur had called him up and congratulated him. The next night, they had gone out to the Oak Bar at the Plaza and had some scotch. Arthur only brought it up once. He acknowledged his mistake and said something about eating crow. Jack had simply laughed it off and told him he could make up for it by getting their tab and Arthur did so in good spirits.

Out of all the DAs he worked with the one he probably loved the most was Adam Schiff. Yes, he loved the man. He learned a lot from him. And more than that, he was almost like a father to Jack. While his own father had been a tough man like Adam, Adam was not violent. Even as a DA he did not like to impose the death sentence as much as he could.

He smiled to himself, a little wistfully. Yes he was going to miss this office. But he wasn't really going to remember it so much as being his office, he was going to remember it as the office that he was often called to – for both good and bad reasons.

The place that held the most special memories for him was his office as Executive Assistant District Attorney. The same office now occupied by his successor, Michael Cutter.

He glanced at the clock. It was 8 pm. About half an hour ago, after his staff had given him a small farewell party, Connie Rubirosa and Mike Cutter had asked him to go out with them. Connie had once been his second chair, his last one before he became DA and he was glad that she was getting along with Mike Cutter. She was a firecracker that one and for a short while he had been afraid that she wouldn't get along with Mike. But thankfully she did.

Jack's smile suddenly became a knowing smirk. Connie and Mike were more than getting along if he did say so himself. He can only hope that Mike didn't mess it up. They were a good match. Just both stubborn. Hopefully they can both give in to what is so obviously there before it was too late.

His smile faded then and his mood became somber. Thinking of Mike and Connie, made him think of his own version of Connie so long ago. Sometimes it was hard to believe that it had been more than 15 years. There were still days that the pain he felt when he lost her was just as strong.

Sighing, he started to walk to his old office around the corner. He knew Mike wouldn't be there anymore. He and Connie left and he had promised he'd join them for dessert in Balthazar at around 9. He told them that he just wanted sometime alone to say goodbye. They understood.

As he walked down the hallway towards his former office, he suddenly stopped. His gaze strayed to the cubicle that was right on his left side. The nameplate on the table now bore the name Connie Rubirosa. But before her there were others. Alexandra Borgia – God thinking about Alex also brought sadness to Jack's heart. She had been killed because of a case. And to this day, he could remember the day the police found her, her body stuffed in a trunk of car, bound and gag so tightly that she suffocated from her own vomit. Jack shook his head slightly then lifted his eyes heavenward as if to say a small prayer.

After that he gave himself the permission to move on from his thoughts of Alex. Prior to Alex there was Serena. She was probably the ADA that he least connected with. He didn't know why that was so, but that's just how it was. Then before Serena it was Abbie Carmichael. Now Abbie and him had made a formidable team. She was almost tougher than he was. She was a damn good lawyer so it didn't surprise him that when the US Attorney's office offered her a place as AUSA, she accepted it. Last he heard from her she was already up in their ranks.

Then before Abbie, there was Jamie Ross. Jamie and him had their moments. They didn't always get along. But he admired Jamie. He admired that she was able to transition from private defense attorney to Assistant District Attorney. He also admired her for speaking her mind. And telling it to him like it really was. Yes Jamie was a good lawyer. So good in fact that she eventually found her way to the bench – a fact that was definite source of pride for Jack. He'd like to think he helped her get there.

Then before Jamie…there was…her… Suddenly Jack felt himself choke up. He had to blink several times to make sure that the tears didn't fall. Not yet anyways.

He hurried to his former office, now Mike Cutter's, opened the door and quickly closed it. He turned on Mike's desk lamp and then opened the bottom drawer of his office desk. Like him, he knew that Mike kept a bottle of Scotch there plus some glasses. He knew Mike wouldn't mind if had one for the road so to speak.

The only difference between him and Mike was that whereas he kept Glenlivet in his drawer, Mike kept McCallan. Of course he'd prefer his Glenlivet but it wasn't his Scotch. And McCallan was a top Scotch as well. He couldn't complain.

Before he allowed himself to think of her, he wanted a drink. He wanted to raise a toast to the legacy he was leaving behind and to her.

Quickly now, Jack took the bottle, opened it, grabbed a glass and poured himself a drink. He let the amber liquid swirl around the glass for a few moments and then, closing his eyes, he quietly sipped the single malt Scotch.

The liquid made its way down his throat with a slow burn. It wasn't a painful sort of burn but a soothing and welcome one. When he was done, he opened his eyes and put his glass down on Mike's table. He then leaned back on the chair, once his and let his eyes scan the room.

In a way, it looked so different now. But at the same time it looked the same. Mike had kept the same chairs. The same lamp. The same books and bookshelves. Even the same blinds. But then of course, the little touches here and there were different. The way everything on top of the desk was arranged was different. The smell was different.

But then of course it was like that. This was still after all the EADA office in One Hogan Place. But with a change of era always came change in everything else – even if the changes were minute and almost imperceptible. That's how it was and is with all the changes life brings.

He looked at the locked door to his office, with the blinds hanging on it. And even now, he can still her coming in and out of that door to go to him.

Claire. Claire Kincaid. He had requested her after Ben Stone resigned. And he knew, Adam had told him that his reputation at that time preceded him. She wasn't too happy to be assigned to him. But of course with Mr. Schiff, the DA telling her that she was going to be assigned to him, she didn't have much of a choice.

He didn't know when he started to fall for her. Even she couldn't pinpoint a time when she fell for him. But they fell in love. And by the time they had been working together for a year, they were deep into their relationship.

Till now, it's amazing to him how he didn't mess that up. Well maybe because he never really got a chance to. Of course they had some rough patches. What couple didn't?

They went through so many things together – and he could recite them all one by one…but why? Those things didn't matter anymore. What mattered was the love they had shared. She was never for the death penalty. And he was. That was also a rough subject between them. But they got through it. Somehow amidst their strong individual beliefs and convictions they got through it. How? He'd like to believe it was because that was how much they loved each other.

They always did except for that one last time. If could turn back time and go back to change that day he would.

Until this day, he never knew why had insisted to Claire that they watch the Scott execution. It wasn't like this was their first death penalty case. But for some reason, Jack had needed to go and wanted to go. Claire didn't. But he begged and begged, saying that he needed her support or some bullshit like that until she finally caved. Curtis and Briscoe, Scott's arresting officers were going too. So honestly, Jack didn't need her there. Briscoe and Curtis would have been enough support. But for some reason he had insisted it was HER company he needed.

If only he had respected her decision. If only he had let her stay behind. If only she had put her foot down a little harder. If only….

Jack shook his head then as if to clear it. He then took another sip of his Scotch before withdrew into his memories once more.

Truth be told, the reason that he stayed with the DA's office for so long, even though he probably could have retired 5 years before was because of her. Even though more than 15 years had passed, he still remembered her every day when he was in this particular office. It was a like a movie in his mind. He could still picture it so clearly. She would enter the room and find him seated on the couch his tie untied, feet stretched out. She would then lift his legs and sit there. They would talk and later on when they knew no one was around anymore, they'd close the blinds just in case and then they would just sit there, his arm around her, her head on his chest. It was such a simple thing. But it gave him such immense joy – gave THEM immense joy.

When he became DA, just for that reason, for a short time he even thought of saying that he would like to stay put in this office. But of course he quickly realized this wasn't possible. So he re-engineered his thoughts. He knew while his best memories were in his EADA office, it wasn't the only place where he had memories of her. She was everywhere for him. And he knew that with his new position, she was happy for him wherever she was.

She really did make him a better man. She made him a better lawyer too. And all these years, even though he dated lot of women after her, a few even seriously, none of them had come close to her. Because none of them inspired him to be better. Not like she did. And no, Claire did not expect him to change for her. But he did. Not because she wanted him to. But because he wanted to. For her. For them.

But the change came too late. She was gone. Till now he blamed himself. Not only did he drag her to that execution. Later after he gave her the day off, he realized that the execution didn't sit well with him either. It didn't with any of them. Not him. Not Claire. Not Curtis. Not Briscoe.

But all of them survived that day. All except Claire. And it was his fault. If he had stayed in the bar after he had asked her to pick him up then maybe she wouldn't have given Lennie a lift home. And she'd be alive. But no he got tired of waiting for her. After dragging her to the execution, upsetting her, giving her the day off but then obligating her to pick him up because he got himself drunk in an dinky Irish pub, he got IMPATIENT and left. And now she was dead. She was gone. Instead of having her by his side, celebrating his retirement, she was gone.

A tear slipped down his cheek. She was gone. She was gone. More than 15 years later and it still hurt like hell. And now he was about to leave their place for good. Oh yes, he could visit, but it wouldn't be the same.

When he left would he forget her? He didn't want to forget her. Even now, he kept a picture of her in his wallet. It was hidden behind business cards and such, but it was always there. And every time he felt low or hopeless or mad he'd pull it out and he'd feel better.

"Oh, Claire!" Jack thought, "I'm so sorry sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I loved you so much. I miss you every day."

Jack grabbed his Scotch again and this time drained it. Then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He knew it was time to go.

He stood up and then with one last look around the office, he whispered a goodbye, turned off the lights and walked out for the last time.

He had only taken a few steps when suddenly something made him turn. For a few moments he thought he saw a shadowy figure standing by the door of his former office. But as quickly as he saw it, it was gone. As it faded though, a lightness spread throughout his being. And all at once a whisper of a thought came to his mind, "I'll always be with you Jack." He could swear it - he heard her voice. But of course that was impossible. But nevertheless after that, he felt better and the sadness he felt earlier was all but gone.

He glanced at the door once more. The shadow - if there had been one - was no longer there.

He turned around and continued his walk to his office as DA. And one last time, he gathered his coat and his briefcase and turned off the lights. Then with one last look around, he closed the door to his office and to his life in Hogan Place.

A few minutes later, Jack McCoy set foot outside into the cool Manhattan night and glanced at his watch. It was just 8:45 pm. He could still make it to Balthazar. And with that he hailed a cab and made his way to join Mike and Connie just as he promised.

END

. . .

_**I have no beta so if you see any typos or grammatical errors please do let me know so that I can correct them. **_

_**Again thank you for reading. And I'd appreciate if you can take a moment to review here or on Twitter: Jo_Bautista**_

_**I realize it's very rare for people to like all 3 L&O's but in case any of you also like SVU in particular the pairing of Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson, please feel free to check out my SVU stories too. Thanks!**_


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